What is life wothout its share of ecstatic joy, crushing grief, that butterfly feeling when you see that someone special, the equally frustrating lonliness in the middle of night when you desperately crave that loving hand caressing your hair, the total helplessness when you stare at the pile of work on a Monday morning.
I have been here in Bangalore since July 11th. Loved a girl but she turned me down. It was crushing. Never before I have been so weak. The countless nights I have spent awake trying to figure out what I could have done wrong. Remembering every conversation(I am good at remembering stuff). Tried to hate her. They said it would help. It took me a lot of time to realise that she does not love me and there is nothing really I could have done. She wanted to keep the friendship. It was difficult. Difficult because I could not go back to sharing everything with her like old times. When you start sharing everything with somone, you become emotionally dependent upon that someone. You need someone to tell you its going to be okay. We often screw up so badly that in reality it is never going to be okay. But you need someone to tell you its going to be okay, someone to stand beside you as you figure out yourself how to fight it. I made her that someone. Falling in love with your best friend when she does not reciprocate your feelings is the most horrendous of mistake one can make. And I always prided myself with the fact that I can read someone.
And now even after nearly two months of everything, I feel scared. I have never had trust issues. But for the first time in my life, I doubt almost anything and everything. Its almost like the feeling of complete nakedness. Like I am completely exposing myself to someone. Now I end up staying nights up imagining stuff. Can I trust him? Should I tell her that? What is his motive? Can I trust what they are saying?
Ultimately every relationship is a simple give and take policy. Emotional support. A promise to always stand beside you come rain or thunder. Trust. When you stop trusting people, you begin losing yourself. I always end up saying that to myself, if I could not judge her, what guarantee is there that I have not misread everyone else? Sometimes I even think that a family exists because it is a societal structure where each member has something to benefit from. And I don't mean simple material benefits. A family breaks when the wife has an extra-marital affair. She no longer needs her husband for the emotional support because her need is being taken care of somewhere else. Kids no longer need their parents because they believe they can do it alone and a family breaks down.
I don't know when I can start trusting people again or whether I can ever do it again.
But I have decided not to be friends with her. It is because of the sense of betrayal. It is because no friend will put you through what she has put me through. It is because I can feel good knowing that I have punished her by not letting her have her way.
Loneliness is a punishment I would not wish upon my worst of enemies. It is crushing.
I have been here in Bangalore since July 11th. Loved a girl but she turned me down. It was crushing. Never before I have been so weak. The countless nights I have spent awake trying to figure out what I could have done wrong. Remembering every conversation(I am good at remembering stuff). Tried to hate her. They said it would help. It took me a lot of time to realise that she does not love me and there is nothing really I could have done. She wanted to keep the friendship. It was difficult. Difficult because I could not go back to sharing everything with her like old times. When you start sharing everything with somone, you become emotionally dependent upon that someone. You need someone to tell you its going to be okay. We often screw up so badly that in reality it is never going to be okay. But you need someone to tell you its going to be okay, someone to stand beside you as you figure out yourself how to fight it. I made her that someone. Falling in love with your best friend when she does not reciprocate your feelings is the most horrendous of mistake one can make. And I always prided myself with the fact that I can read someone.
And now even after nearly two months of everything, I feel scared. I have never had trust issues. But for the first time in my life, I doubt almost anything and everything. Its almost like the feeling of complete nakedness. Like I am completely exposing myself to someone. Now I end up staying nights up imagining stuff. Can I trust him? Should I tell her that? What is his motive? Can I trust what they are saying?
Ultimately every relationship is a simple give and take policy. Emotional support. A promise to always stand beside you come rain or thunder. Trust. When you stop trusting people, you begin losing yourself. I always end up saying that to myself, if I could not judge her, what guarantee is there that I have not misread everyone else? Sometimes I even think that a family exists because it is a societal structure where each member has something to benefit from. And I don't mean simple material benefits. A family breaks when the wife has an extra-marital affair. She no longer needs her husband for the emotional support because her need is being taken care of somewhere else. Kids no longer need their parents because they believe they can do it alone and a family breaks down.
I don't know when I can start trusting people again or whether I can ever do it again.
But I have decided not to be friends with her. It is because of the sense of betrayal. It is because no friend will put you through what she has put me through. It is because I can feel good knowing that I have punished her by not letting her have her way.
Loneliness is a punishment I would not wish upon my worst of enemies. It is crushing.
