Solution manuals should be banned

I am growing older although that has imperceptible effect on my height.

I have always failed to understand what growing older actually means. Is it learning to be selfish; sacrificing your pride of doing what is right to doing what the situation demands. Or is it keeping your emotions bottled up because the society dictates that it is the more "mature" thing to do? Or is it learning to be unselfish and make compromises? Or is it learning to understand a situation and people's ulterior and sinister motives that hide beneath a facade of sociable niceties? Or is it all of the above? Or maybe you have some scaling factor that you apply to each of the above and there is a cut-off threshold? Maybe being older is knowing the answer to the last question.

No. I am not mature enough to handle my feelings or emotions. When I am sad or hurt by something, I bottle it up and kind of swallow it with a bitter pill. And sometimes I end up reacting violently in the heat of the moment. The latter happens more often with situations where I am incited. I have let gone opportunities that might have changed my life because I felt that I will be betraying the trust reposed in me by someone else.

Sometimes I feel envious, selfish. They say its wrong to do that. But I can't stop feeling that. There are people whose behavior reflects what they are feeling quite openly. Then there are people whose faces betray no sense of ill feeling. I sometimes wonder don't they feel it? Or that I am being too vain? I like to pretend I am really nice person and so I don't bother asking them, lest they think ill of me! Some great people have often told to live your life to the fullest, you don't need to worry about what others think. I don't agree with the same.

I believe that we humans have been exceedingly successful as a species merely due to intelligence. But then dolphins are considered equally exceptional intelligent creatures. But maybe we are slightly more intelligent with respect to the fact that we can be exceedingly selfish. We humans have been successful because we have learned to work in groups. But so do a lot of animals. What sets us apart, from the rest, is that we have learned to be selfish; we ditch the our own groups when the situation demands it. One example, which is a really poor one, I can think about is of successful business who started working in some organization, learned the tools of the trade, showed a middle finger to the manager, refined the learned tools of trade and became even more successful. No, I don't mean to undermine the amount of effort it takes to be a successful entrepreneur. But what I wish to imply is that it all started with a bit of selfishness. Undying loyalty never gets you anywhere. (But I detest people who are not faithful to their better halves and indulge in treachery and betrayal. I will always detest them. Call me immature but this is a moral line I draw and I shall always be firm on this point)

I often wonder is it morally right to be mature grown up person? Because it calls for things that the Holy Bible or any religious text terms as "sins". They say always be morally right. Then I read about Charles Darwin's "Survival of the Fittest"

I am convinced that I don't understand life. If I even start to comprehend life, I will be lost in all its intricacies and debates which are best left to academic halls. I have been to several debates in my life, and was a skillful debater not too long back, and I have realized, to my dismay, that debates never solve anything. Yes, you get a broader view of the world. You are "enlightened". But it does not solve anything.

Maybe the entire point of life is understanding that everything does not have an answer. Accepting that everything that you do will not hurt your conscience. They should not have any solution manual to the problems at the end of the chapter. Because students need to realize that every solving every problem does not guarantee that their solution is right as is the case with life!

Lonliness

What is life wothout its share of ecstatic joy, crushing grief, that butterfly feeling when you see that someone special, the equally frustrating lonliness in the middle of night when you desperately crave that loving hand caressing your hair, the total helplessness when you stare at the pile of work on a Monday morning.
I have been here in Bangalore since July 11th. Loved a girl but she turned me down. It was crushing. Never before I have been so weak. The countless nights I have spent awake trying to figure out what I could have done wrong. Remembering every conversation(I am good at remembering stuff). Tried to hate her. They said it would help. It took me a lot of time to realise that she does not love me and there is nothing really I could have done. She wanted to keep the friendship. It was difficult. Difficult because I could not go back to sharing everything with her like old times. When you start sharing everything with somone, you become emotionally dependent upon that someone. You need someone to tell you its going to be okay. We often screw up so badly that in reality it is never going to be okay. But you need someone to tell you its going to be okay, someone to stand beside you as you figure out yourself how to fight it. I made her that someone. Falling in love with your best friend when she does not reciprocate your feelings is the most horrendous of mistake one can make. And I always prided myself with the fact that I can read someone.
And now even after nearly two months of everything, I feel scared. I have never had trust issues. But for the first time in my life, I doubt almost anything and everything. Its almost like the feeling of complete nakedness. Like I am completely exposing myself to someone. Now I end up staying nights up imagining stuff. Can I trust him? Should I tell her that? What is his motive? Can I trust what they are saying?
Ultimately every relationship is a simple give and take policy. Emotional support. A promise to always stand beside you come rain or thunder. Trust. When you stop trusting people, you begin losing yourself. I always end up saying that to myself, if I could not judge her, what guarantee is there that I have not misread everyone else? Sometimes I even think that a family exists because it is a societal structure where each member has something to benefit from. And I don't mean simple material benefits. A family breaks when the wife has an extra-marital affair. She no longer needs her husband for the emotional support because her need is being taken care of somewhere else. Kids no longer need their parents because they believe they can do it alone and a family breaks down.
I don't know when I can start trusting people again or whether I can ever do it again.
But I have decided not to be friends with her. It is because of the sense of betrayal. It is because no friend will put you through what she has put me through. It is because I can feel good knowing that I have punished her by not letting her have her way.
Loneliness is a punishment I would not wish upon my worst of enemies. It is crushing.

The journey and the destination.

 This is the article I wrote for the souvenior of my departmental reunion(with some corrections).

‘The destination does not matter as much as the journey’-Unknown

I don’t travel much. But the countless number of memories of a journey that began on 19th July, 2010 is sure to fill up several volumes of memoirs, not that anyone would buy it though.
As I walked through the hallowed gates of Jadavpur University, I was excited. I don’t know the way to my department. So I asked one student, “Which way is the department?” He replied, “Chol amar sathe”. I was skeptical for obvious reasons and lingered for a few moments. Realizing my hesitation, he turned back and said, “Aare chol amio ei department er”. The senior was Sayan Saha and though he is currently pursuing PhD at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, New York, we still talk atleast once a week. And thus began the journey.

From making a ‘pichkari’ out of distilled water bottles in the Chemistry lab, to breaking the “best burette in the lab” to faking fever to escape an outrageously boring mathematics class, first year marked the transformation. Probably one of the most hilarious moments was when someone threw my lunch box out of the fourth floor of my department and later replied, “Eita na korle amake 4 bochor pore ki kore mone rakhbi?”

I still remember the first class I bunked. It was a Wednesday on the third week after I joined JU. We bunked the class and went to Swabhumi. That was the first and the last time I ever made the mistake of going to Swabhumi(if you are in Kolkata for one day, you can strike this place off your list). Unfortunately when we returned, we got an earful from our seniors of how irresponsible and selfish we were in not attending the first football match of our freshers. Here cheering in the football field meant something quite different. And a victory meant celebrations that would extend to social networks. And a loss, well!

And twice a teacher walked out of our class exasperated with us. Thankfully, they didn’t complain to the HoD. No, I am not going to write about what we did. I am still a student. But you get the idea.
And the countless number of times when I, along with another conniving batch-mate, Ritwick Mukherjee, texted people in the middle of the night, “Results have been declared” and the choicest of abuses they hurled at us when they realized it was all a bloody hoax. And for the skeptics, we included random grade points along with the message to make it sound more convincing. Some now might say with a straight face, “I never fell for it.” Wish I saved those reply messages.

As a part of the organizing team member of Srijan 2011, we had to go for publicity campaigning in different colleges across Kolkata. Those were the days when I happily bunked the endless physics and chemistry classes to put up posters in colleges(who even checks the notice board in an age of social networks?) . We even had to go to classes and tell about the various workshops. I introduced myself as a 3rd year student!

But one of the things I surely am not going to miss is the canteen food. There is this joke about the canteen food,
- “How do you know you are not in the Matrix?”
-“Because then the food would have been definitely better.”
You can literally sew yourself a pair of nice trousers with the leather-like-rotis.
And while I enjoyed some things, there were things that turned out to be real pain in some parts of the human anatomy-for instance the long queues in the muster roll section for exam fees submission, paying the fine and things that are best left to evening “adda” as opposed to things that are published in the souvenior.

But then came 3rd year-the nightmare of any instrumentation student! Within one week into 3rd year classes, I realized what the rest of the year was going to be like. Monday to Saturday, 10:20am to 5:15pm classes. And with the habit of “class test kata” till right before the exams, it was a total disaster. We often had to give two class tests of the same subject on the same day. But I presume it was even worse for the class representatives who got calls from all of us to try and convince the teacher to reduce the syllabus. Regardless to say, it never worked and countless sleepless nights were spent in the period before semesters.

And then right after each semester, the solemn swear, ‘Next semester shob class test aage debo.’ It is startling how shamelessly we never followed it.

After a gap of two years we started having ISA seminars. Many students are now members of ISA(47 precisely). We had two seminars, one in Heritage Institute of Technology and another in Jadavpur University. The best part of it was when the student members were invited to the Hotel Hindusthan International for the annual ISA convention. Before that we only had read about flowmeters and analyzers, but for the first time we saw the products in the exhibition that was arranged as part of the convention. It was truly exciting to finally see the instruments right in front of us. The murmurs of “KM sir poriechilen na aager din”(I used to bunk a lot). to “DCP sir er boi te oita chilo” summarizes our excitement.

Somehow we survived ‘the’ 3rd year and we became the “senior most dada didis”. But there is a catch-we have placements. And then we also have our departmental reunion! Juggling between academics and placements, we started planning for the reunion. Since the next time we will be having reunion, it will also be the golden jubilee of the department, we knew we had to make it as big as possible so that it is simply fireworks next time!

The alumni database that was handed down to us was filled with serious errors and needed serious updating. Thanks to www.juresultdirectory.org we were able to atleast get the names of all the students that passed out in each year. And then we started doing a Google search on seniors with whom we have lost contact. We managed to get in touch with many of our alumni. One of the most prominent was Shyamal Bhattacharya, the CTO of PwC. We later used more intensive people search engines like www.pipl.com and www.linkedin.com .

In the previous reunion and in the reunion before that, there had always been talks of making a website for the department. It was no different this year. But one fine day, I and Sreeja Roy, decided “onek hoeche chol banie feli.” And thus, we bought a domain name www.ieeju.in and some server space and I began with the arduous task of creating a website from scratch. I am still working. The tricky part was deciding a subtle layout so that people return back to the website. My friends in IT helped a lot and I owe it one person in particular, Abhirup Bhabani, who helped me sort out all the troubles with server and other technical things(it wasn’t English, it was Greek!!) . Also Saurabh Animesh and Pranav Agarwal, both second year students of our department, helped immensely. They spent quite a few sleepless nights in the ‘Reconnect’ initiative.

Now I must stop writing because I have already got three calls from Sreeja all saying, “Bhai article ta patha re!! Chapate dite hobe.” But I will forever remember the four years as a student of JU not only for the exceptional teachers, but for all the experiences-from the exasperating instances when I felt like taking a plunge from the fifth floor to all the hours spent laughing at the jokes of Souradip Chakraborty and Kingshuk Banjerjee; I will miss it all!

Why lose a thousand more?

This post follows the recent violation of ceasefire by Pakistani armed forces at LOC.But as much as it is a ceasefire violation, what shocked the nation was that the Pakistani soldiers decapitated one of the soldiers and carried the head as “trophy”. They tried to decapitate the other dead soldier when they came under heavy fire from the Indian side and had to flee.

This event has had wide ramifications. Not only has it created a ripple in New Delhi with the Pakistani Ambassador being summoned to New Delhi, it has raised eyebrows at the international level with USA(as usual) asking India and Pakistan to cool off and sit for talks.
At this point I can’t help but comment that India always has taken a pro-active role in the peace process. Even after 26/11 when it was proved beyond doubt that the terror attack had been planned in Pakistani soil and that Pakistani Government was dragging their feet in bringing the people to justice, India refused to back out on the peace talks. Yes, the only thing that stopped was Indo-Pakistan matches came to a screeching halt.

And, expectedly, Pakistan rejected the assertions of the Indian government, calling for a UN probe into the incident. Indian Government, as of now, has refused to accede to their demand. Ironically, Pakistan is making the demands. "This is Indian propaganda to divert attention from an Indian raid on Sunday on a Pakistani post in which a Pakistani soldier was killed," Pakistan military said in a statement. (Source: Al Jazeera)

But what is more disturbing is the clamour for a full fledged war on the Indian side in social networking platforms. “An eye for an eye” is the underlying sentiment. And why do I find it disturbing?

It is disturbing because a war should be the last resort. A war cannot be declared at every provocation. Yes, granted that Pakistan has been in constant violations of the ceasefire arrangements, undermining the very principle of LOC. Yes, there were 75 incidents of ceasefire violations in the last year, none so brutal though. Where is the mature Indian who protested all across the country following the Delhi gang rape case?

I am too young to comment on someone’s maturity and people rarely lose an opportunity to point it out to me. But at this point, such call for war is totally uncalled for. And whats more disturbing is that while the Indian Government is strictly against any adverse reaction, people logged into their Facebook and Twitter are mincing no words in describing the Indian Government as “cowards'”.

A war not only has casualties in terms of the lives of jawans, it has casualties in terms of “collateral damage”. Those who clamour for war have never fired a weapon, never have stared down the barrel of an assault rifle and definitely haven’t been in duty in the icy heights of the Siachen. The economy of a country, which isn’t really in a good shape now, is further dented due to a war. Yes we’re a nuclear armed country. Yes, we have deployed missiles that can destroy any target in Pakistan. But that doesn’t imply we need to show off out toys.

When I went to Quanta International, an International Science Fest hosted in Lucknow in 2007, there were many participants from Pakistan. And each one said that the civilian middle class there loves India. As much as “Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi” is a daily part of our entertainment, so is theirs. Its only the Islamist hardliners, some of the lower segments of the society and the Pakistani armed forces that harbour such a seep mistrust for India.

Times of India’s recent attempt at bringing peace between India and Pakistani, termed as “Aman ki Asha” is now being termed “Aman ki Tamasha”.

Expectations

Today, as I sit down to write this article, I cannot focus… Most of my thoughts are going astray…cannot focus on anything specific. But I think I need to write… I am not good at talking… Most people doesn’t understand me; and I can’t somehow comfortably speak up freely. I am jealous of people who can unload a lot of what is on their mind after a conversation. I don’t play much games, some people relax by spending hitting the arrow buttons on their keyboards.

So what is this I am so frustrated about today? My expectations. Somehow I feel that I have let down everyone, let down myself. Somehow if I could confine myself in the room in the background picture of the blog theme.

I thought by this age I would amount to something, would be someone. But all I am is one of the many bobbling heads. I am alone. At the very least, I thought I wouldn’t be depressed. But here I am.

<<after a bit of thinking>>

I somehow realise that I lack perseverance to pursue something to the very end. I start with projects but somehow I lose interest mid-way. Sometimes the people I’m working with lose interest and I’m left all alone to fend for myself. As much as I would like to blame society for it, I know good as hell that I am also a part of this society. Sometimes my urge to start all over again smacks of my lack of perseverance.

I think someone would be a perfect man if he could go on for almost to his death focussed on a single goal. Such a person would be disciplined.Maybe this is what the muni rishis of ancient India ere made of. On somewhat a bit of thinking, I think all the so called “desirable” qualities are all but derivatives if this thing called discipline. It makes someone responsible. It gives them the strength to be diligent. It gives them the “I get the job done” tag. A TAG WHICH I ALWAYS WANT.

Some photos….

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Why didn’t we act sooner?

Over the last two weeks, the country was gripped by the brutal rape and physical assault of a medical student in a moving bus in Delhi, the very capital of India. It led to widespread protests with frequent standoffs between the government and the protesters and the protesters and the police and between the police and the Delhi Chief Minister. The mainstream opposition parties were, “marginalised” in these protests near Jantar Mantar. Though new political entrants like Arvind Kerijlal and Baba Ramdev tried to earn a few brownie points by aligning themselves with the protesters, they were rejected by the crowd. In midst of all this confusion, a constable lost his life, supposedly after receiving grievous injuries during the protests. Though many claim that he had an heart attack and was, rather, helped by the protesters, is vehemently rejected by the Delhi Police.

So whose fault is it?? Well it lies with us..it lies with our forefathers. Well, more with our forefathers. The patriarchal mind-set is prominent in India… We have failed to give women their rightful place in the society. They have been, over the generations, treated as a burden by the parents and as a “bed-warmer” by their husbands. The men have always been the kings(the biggest irony is that one of the most influential persons in the country is a woman, Sonia Gandhi). Delhi, where the incident took place, has a woman Chief Minister. Now coming back to the point, other than the dominance of patriarchal mind-set, we had other social evils like female foeticide still rampant in India. What is even more surprising is that it is more rampant in the urban areas than the rural areas. So the boys group in villages with no girls of their age. They see their mothers being abused, shoved and pushed to the corner by their fathers. And then how can the society expect that such incidents will not occur.

In more appropriate terms, “there is a complete lack of gender sensitisation” in the country. The educationalists have long advocated the introduction of sex education in school curriculum, but they have been rejected time and again by the “politicians” as vulgar. The society is not healthy. It is plagued by such deep rooted evils that we don’t even realize that it is a malignant tumour embedded deep within the anatomy of the society.

So why didn’t the politicians do something sooner? Unfortunately, they did and yet they didn’t. Indian has several laws that metes out harshest of punishment to rapists(it stops just short of the death penalty) . The problem is with their implementation. The police lacks the sensitivity to handle such cases. Sometimes the perpetrators of such crime are high placed officials in the governments, either bureaucrats or politicians, who get away by bribery and political connections. And in between are caught hapless victims.

In one instance, the West Bengal Chief Minister, Mamata Banerjee, questioned the character of a woman who was raped. She even went on to say that her complaint is fake and is an attempt to malign the government. She had to literally eat her words the next day when the police proved that there indeed have been a case of rape and the accused were nabbed from the city. So what did she do next? She called the investigating police officer, Damayanti Sen, and within a month had her transferred. The Chief Minister’s office claimed that it had nothing to do with it and it was “routine”, but we knew better. What actually happened we’ll never know. But her gaffe doesn’t help. And as recent as the day before yesterday, a Trinamool MLA, indulged in the worst form of character assassination by stating in public that there was no rape but a deal gone wrong. The Supreme Court, repeatedly, in its directive have stated that the character of a victim cannot be questioned during trial. But somehow, the politicians do it with impunity.

And some politicians indulge in character assassination of the protesters, like the President’s son, Abhijit Mukherjee, who claimed that the protesters are “painted” and “dented”. Then they tender a public apology. But they don’t realize that this emboldens the views of the perpetrators of such heinous crimes. They get an idea that since the politicians supports their view, they can get away with it.

Before the government drafts new legislation, they need to make a centralised authority to which all politicians, from Cabinet ministers to independent MLAs, are answerable for their conduct. It should be an organization with power and not merely an advisory committee. And it should be in fast track mode. It takes less than a few minutes to make a statement and then they shouldn’t be given one month to reply back. They should be able to suspend a MP or a MLA and impose monetary fines. And then contempt proceedings should begin in a court. The leaders, who have the means to reach the most number of people must be made accountable then and there.

And SOMETIMES the media does play up an incident. Media is one of the crucial instruments in a democracy(and again I believe India still has a democracy despite what most people would like you to believe). But poor and “inflammatory” journalism can be destructive. Though the role of media in highlighting the Delhi Gangrape Case and the Park Street Rape case is nothing short of commendable.

So what should be the ideal punishment for rape? The death penalty? I believe no… Murder is punishable by the death penalty but it hasn’t stopped murders. Castration should be the more appropriate punishment. Take the “men” out of these men. Between the awarding of the death penalty and execution of the statement, there is a long process involving the lowest to the highest echelons of power. Unfortunately amending the process would require the amendment of the constitution which is not easy. Because the matter would involve the states, the amendment needs to be passed in each of the states. It may never see the light of the day.

And I believe in humanity, We have evolved after millions of years of evolution. Let this be not undone by some people. We need to unite ourselves in this fight..make a solemn pledge.

And in midst of all this, we, as Indians need to be rational. Hard as it may sound, its probably the only way out. Emotions should drive us in working together… But let decisions be made rationally.